Parenting.....

We were blessed last week to take a trip up to LA where we stayed with our parenting mentors and friends.  It's  a little painful to subject ourselves to discipleship in our parenting, because our failures and shortcomings quickly come into the light, but afterwards, it's such a blessing because we walk away with a renewed vision of God's plan for parents and children, with more motivation to carry on being diligent in what we know to be true, and also have a clearer vision of what we want our family to look like and what we need to work on.....so I thought I'd put up some of the things that I learned from our time so I can go back to them later as a reminder and so that someone else can benefit from our taste of humble-pie  :-)

On Respecting Parents and others:
I think this has come up before, but basically kids should always treat their parents with respect and honor.  This sounds obvious, but if you watch kids you'll see that it isn't obvious to them.  What does it look like for kids to honor and respect their parents? First, kids should not tell their parents 'no'.  There is no where in Scripture where a child tells their parent 'no'.  When God told Abraham to sacrifice his promised son Isaac, there is no record of Isaac resisting his dad's attempt at sacrificing him on an alter to God!  By the time God provided the replacement sacrifice in the form of the ram in the bush, Isaac was already bound up and lying on the alter with his dad poised to kill him....There is a record of Isaac asking his dad a question about where the sacrificial animal was, so it's clear that he was curious about what was going on, but he never resisted his father even unto death!

The same is true of Jesus....in the Garden of Gethsemane, he asked that another plan other than his crucifixion and bearing of all our sin could take place, but at the end of it all, he submitted to his Father and said, 'not my will but your will be done'....again, submission unto death......

So none of us are going to sacrifice our kids and clearly I'm not advocating that (in case anyone is confused on that point :-). however, the principal still stands.....kids are to submit to their parents in everything....It's their job as children, of course, if a parent is telling a child to do something that's sinful then they should obey the word of God over their parents, but that's a whole different point entirely.  The point here is that kids should never tell their parents 'no'.....they can ask humbly by saying 'no thank-you' if they really don't want to do or eat something, but when they ask this they should be prepared in their hearts to obey without complaint if the instruction doesn't change...

Another point that we realized we were neglecting is to have our kids look us in the eyes when we talk to them.  This is such an important thing to do!  By looking in our kids eyes, we can see a little bit of what's going on in their hearts....are they angry about what we're saying? Are they listening intently because they value our instruction? Are they ignoring us completely and waiting for us to finish talking? their eyes tell the story of their attitudes.....do they refuse to make eye contact? Are they even able to make eye contact?  These things are important....the thing that I realize in this is that it means then that I must slow down and look in their eyes when I talk to them and when they talk to me.  It's good modeling for them, good practice for me, and just plain shows that I care enough about them to look at them when we talk.

If it looks like they are angry or inattentive when they are listening then address it.  Ask them to look at you with soft eyes, tell them not to forsake their parents teaching and that you are seeking to do the job God has given you, which is (in part) to impart wisdom to them.  If they don't listen, they are being foolish.  It's best to be wise.

On being servant-hearted vs. self-absorbed:
This is a biggie! (for adults as well).  We are all born as completely self-absorbed people.  A newborn infant is surely not thinking of their mothers need for sleep when they scream for milk throughout the night.  We come into the world only able to be concerned about our own needs.  Without training and instruction many folks never actually grow out of this self-absorption.  We may learn to do nice things for people, but if the motivation is to get something out of it, then it's still ultimately self-absorption.  The goal then, is to teach kids from an early age to be genuinely concerned with the needs and desires of others and to care for them.

To do this, practice is the best teacher.  Instead of getting to choose the activity, kids can ask others what they would like to do, let them make the choice and then enjoy playing that activity with them.  Older kids can ask the younger ones what they would like to do, and even if it seems 'babyish' they can seek to enjoy doing that thing with their younger friend/sibling.  Chores are also a good training ground for this, in that a child should ultimately do any task their parents ask them to do (within their ability range), with a joyful attitude because they want to serve their family....even if it's not their favorite thing to do.

Older kids can also be asked to care for younger kids....this is a great way to teach servant-heartedness....and it helps with building the relationship between the kids and with making the household run more smoothly....

Children can also be talked to about what it means to serve others, what it looks like to be selfish, given examples and reasons etc....using Scripture is the best (I have a draft of a Bible study on this topic written on the blog, maybe I'll post it someday :-).  There are countless opportunities to teach selflessness each day, in Scripture there are tons of examples for kids to learn from, and there are so many scenarios throughout the day for them to practice, if our antennas are up searching for them....

On interrupting:
This goes along with the respect section, probably, but I'm putting it here....basically, kids shouldn't interrupt. If they have something to say, they can walk up and stand and wait until the grownups are done talking before they say what they'd like to say.  We've let this get a little out of hand....and we can definitely see the benefit of having kids assess a situation before they just walk up and say what's on their mind....it's also training in selflessness for them to look at a person and think, "Is she listening to someone else?" " Is she on the phone?" "Is she talking to someone?" before they speak....it helps them to think of others before themselves and put their needs/wants after others.....so I guess this also goes with servant-heartedness as well...

On Sitting quietly:
Our friends suggest having kids sit and read books for at least an hour a day without talking.  This teaches them the self-control of sitting, being quiet and also of respecting their parents wishes for them to sit quietly....it also helps with their ability to sit in other settings (doctor's offices, planes, meals, resteraunts, church, etc).....sitting is just an important skill as is being quiet....and it's not one that comes naturally (at least not to our kids), it has to be taught and learned....

Anyway, I know there's more that we learned, but this is already a super long post....so maybe I'll write more another time...  Here's a couple of pictures....thanks for reading!  Be blessed and encouraged!

Erica

Add caption